What? Valentine's Day? Had you not heard? Did you studiously ignore the memo covered in kisses with the faint scent of eau de roses? You hadn't had the constant pink-love-heart-kiss-a-bloody-puppy barrage of ....what would you call it... what is that word? Oh yes, that's it: crap.
Before anyone starts trolling (you know you've really made it when you've got haters) and calling me a crone-like, barren old cynic (you probably wouldn't be far off), I don't dislike the day because of any tantrum-type "well if I'm not getting cards professing undying love, then the whole world can't have it (or be getting It) either" feelings. I just don't think that there should be so much hyperbole over one day.
Surely if you adore someone, you show them that you do on a regular basis? You can't wear your fat pants all year round and only pull out the Agent Provocateur on some baltic evening in February. You don't store up your trip to your favourite, shadows like velvet, wine like silk, food like nectar restaurant for the one mid-week night when you're guaranteed not to be able to get the alcove seat? You don't really only think of candle light and flowers and jewellery and silly love notes scribbled on the back of cigarette packets for one day a year, do you?
God, DO you?
Then that is the infinitely more worrying situation.
Don't worry if the Post Man rocks up with only brown-enveloped bills and a better-luck-next-time sympathy smile. Don't panic-lie when a colleague asks you what flowers you got from a mystery man. Do not break down in piteous (and pitying) sobs on the Tube/in the car/on your boss' shoulder because even your Mum hasn't bothered this year. That goes for you boys too.
Valentine's Day, the 14th of February is NOT the only day for romance. Rainbows and champagne and sex happens every other day of 2013. So relax.
Incidentally, if anyone is penning me a Valentine's card, the only words I want are dirty ones. Just like this February weather.
If you are looking for the romantic Anti Valentine's Lonely Hearts Club movie-athon then I suggest:
- Casablanca ("Here's lookin' at you kid" and Ingrid Bergman looking cool in the heat and amongst the Nazis)
- The Thomas Crown Affair (The original one. With Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway being unmentionable with the chess set)
- Gone with the Wind (Clark Gable was made to be Rhett Butler and "not give a damn")
- The Fabulous Baker Boys (Pffeifer spilling out of her red dress and wreathing atop a grand piano and Jeff Bridges being the eternal f*** up we all want to save)